When is it time for Counseling?

Written By Donnie Van Curen

In relationships, whether individual or within a couple, it’s not always clear when it’s time to seek wise counsel. Many wait until the strain feels unbearable, until hearts are hardened or communication has nearly ceased. But more often than not, the need reveals itself much earlier, in quieter ways.

Jesus gives us a powerful picture of this in the parable of the lost sheep (Matthew 18:12–14; Luke 15:3–7). A shepherd leaves ninety-nine sheep to go after the one that has gone astray. The sheep is not destroyed, it is simply wandering.

That image speaks deeply to how people and relationships lose their way.

The Subtle Signs of Going Astray

Scripture often describes wandering not as rebellion alone, but as drifting—gradual, almost unnoticed movement away from what is good and life-giving.

In relationships, this can look like:

  • Words that once gave life now becoming sharp or withheld

  • Fellowship turning into distance

  • Patience giving way to frustration

  • A slow fading of joy, unity, and mutual understanding

For individuals, wandering may appear as:

  • A weary or troubled spirit

  • Anxiety that lingers without rest

  • Patterns of thought or behavior that feel difficult to escape

  • A sense of being spiritually or emotionally disconnected

These are not always loud crises, but they are signs that something in the heart or relationship may be losing its way.

The Tendency to “Lean on Our Own Understanding”

We are often tempted to handle these struggles alone. As Proverbs 3:5 reminds us, we are called to “trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Yet in practice, many of us do the opposite.

We may say:

  • “This will pass.”

  • “We can fix this ourselves.”

  • “It’s not serious enough to involve anyone else.”

But isolation can deepen the wandering. Where there is no guidance, Scripture tells us, people fall, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety (Proverbs 11:14).

Recognizing the Need for Wise Counsel

Seeking counseling is not a sign that something has failed, it is often a sign that something is valued enough to be restored.

It may be time to seek help when:

  • The same conflicts arise again and again without resolution

  • Communication leads to hurt rather than understanding

  • One or both feel unseen, unheard, or alone

  • Forgiveness is offered, but healing does not seem to follow

  • Trust has been weakened

  • There is a longing for peace, but no clear path toward it

For individuals, this may look like:

  • Feeling burdened beyond what you can carry alone

  • Struggling to renew your mind or find clarity

  • Recognizing patterns that need change, but not knowing how

These moments are not signs of defeat, they are invitations to step into wisdom and support.

The Heart of the Shepherd

What makes the parable so powerful is the heart of the shepherd. He notices the one who has gone astray. He does not ignore it, minimize it, or wait passively.

He goes after the sheep.

This reflects the heart of God—one that pursues, restores, and rejoices when what was lost is found.

In a similar way, choosing counseling can be an act of pursuit:

  • Pursuing peace instead of settling for tension

  • Pursuing healing instead of tolerating wounds

  • Pursuing unity instead of accepting division

It is a step toward restoration.

Restoration Before Ruin

Too often, people wait until the damage feels beyond repair. But the shepherd did not wait until the sheep was beyond reach.

Counseling can be a way of responding early, of turning back before distance becomes separation, before hurt becomes hardness.

Galatians 6:2 encourages us to “bear one another’s burdens.” Counseling is one practical way that burden-sharing can take place—with wisdom, care, and guidance.

Final Thoughts

The parable of the lost sheep reminds us that wandering is part of the human experience, but so is being found.

If you or your relationship feel distant, strained, or uncertain, it may not mean everything is broken. It may simply mean something needs to be brought back into alignment.

And just as the shepherd rejoices over the one who is restored, there is hope that what feels lost can be found again.

Seeking counsel is not stepping away from faith—it is often a step deeper into it.

Donnie Van Curen